1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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