I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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