My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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