I faked an abortion last night.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
