I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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