Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
