Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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