Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
