Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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