i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
