i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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