when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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