I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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