if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
