No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
