I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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