mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
