Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
How does it feel to date your dad?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
