I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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