i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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