I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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