I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
