LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
