a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
