I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
