My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
