you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
