I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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