Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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