my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
