Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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