It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
