i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
