Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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