There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
