He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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