I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
