there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
