On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
