Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
