I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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