had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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