ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
