How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
