We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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