I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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