I'm so fucking centered right now
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
