If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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