I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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