How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Randomize
