i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize