He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
