Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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