I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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