so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
