Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
