I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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