I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Life is so much better after having sex.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
